Turning Toward One Another

Turning toward one another in a marriage is very important. This is something my husband and I have always done, not really realizing we did it. The first time I noticed we did this and how important it was for our marriage was during his first deployment on a submarine. All deployments are hard, but the hardships differ depending on the deployment. The hardest thing about having my husband on a submarine for five months was that he wasn’t able to contact us in any way at all. No phone, email, or real mail. After a while, it took a toll on me. He is my best friend and I missed talking with him. I missed parenting with him. I missed being intimate with him. I missed doing all of the day to day things we did together, like making dinner, getting the kids ready for bed and putting them to bed, date nights, and family time. It was really hard. John M. Gottman talks about the importance of turning toward one another in a marriage, in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. He says, 

“Every time partners turn toward each other, they are funding what I’ve come to call their emotional bank account. They are building up savings that, like money in the bank, can serve as a cushion when times get rough, when they’re faced with a major life stress or conflict. Because they have stored an abundance of goodwill, such couples are less likely to teeter over into distrust and chronic negativity during hard time.”

I think one reason my husband and I made it through his deployments was because of our emotional bank account and the savings we already had in it. But, it took a really long time after his deployments to build that back up. I hope my husband and I always continue to turn toward each other in our marriage.   

 

    

Sacrifice

“Each of us should pray earnestly for the heavenly help to make those sacrifices that will sanctify our relationships. As we enter our homes, we can pause to beseech God to grant us grace, goodness, mercy, compassion, and patience. We can ask Father to help us see our partner and his or her struggles with the loving-kindness with which He views them. In so doing, we place our time, our minds and our hearts on the altar. That is the ultimate offering, the required sacrifice.”

-Goddard, H. Wallace. Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. Pg. 52.

In today’s world we have become so obsessed with making sure our own needs are being met that often times the term sacrifice comes with a negative connotation. Sacrificing for your loved ones is actually a very good thing as it brings you closer together and closer to God. I want my own marriage to bare the fruits of sacrifice. I want my marriage to last, not only during my mortal life, but for all eternity. I believe that as I make continuous efforts to sacrifice my own needs or desires for the needs and desires of my husband than our marriage will be sanctified, like Goddard stated in the quote above.

In studying this topic I have been thinking about what I could sacrifice for my husband. I have written down specific things that I can give up to put my husband first. In doing this I know that I will ultimately come closer to my Heavenly Father as I strive to become a better person. I love this quote by Elder Joe J. Christensen from the Marriage and Family Relationship Participant’s Study Guide, by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. He said,

“Avoid ‘ceaseless pinpricking.’ Don’t be too critical of each other’s faults. Recognize that none of us is perfect. We all have a long way to go to become as Christlike as our leaders have urged us to become. ‘Ceaseless pinpricking,’ as President Spencer W. Kimball called it, can deflate almost any marriage. … Generally each of us is painfully aware of our weaknesses, and we don’t need frequent reminders. Few people have ever changed for the better as a result of constant criticism or nagging. If we are not careful, some of what we offer as constructive criticism is actually destructive” (p. 19)

Sometimes I find myself doing this, and it is so needless. I know how aware of my own faults I am and how much I hate it when they are pointed out to me, I should not do this to my husband. So this is one of the things I am going to stop doing, something I am going to sacrifice for my husband and our marriage. I am so grateful for the atonement of my Savior, Jesus Christ. I know that because of Him I can put off the natural man like we are taught to do in Mosiah 3:19 from the Book of Mormon. I know that through Him I can change and become a better person. I am so very thankful for that and so happy because of that.

                       

5:1

My husband and I have been married for 12 years. While I am no marriage expert, I have learned that what John Gottman teaches about ratios in marriage is true. He teaches that the ratio is 5:1, meaning that 5 positive things need to happen in order to combat 1 negative thing happening in a marriage. So, for every negative thought, feeling, or action you have or do involving your spouse, you need to come back with five more positive thoughts, feelings, or actions to balance out your marriage in order for it to succeed. 

 

On our wedding day, May 14, 2004.

Early on in our marriage I made a picture to give to my husband. It is a 12x12 picture that is labeled, “How Do I Love Thee?”, and on it I have listed over 100 things I love about my husband. I have found that if I am every frustrated with him reading over this helps me overcome any negative thoughts I may be having. It’s been on our wall in our room for 10 years now and continues to serve as a great reminder to me of how much I do love him. If I were to make a new one today, it would have even more positive things on it. I am so grateful that I have had this reminder through all our years of marriage, because I can attest to the fact that negative thoughts, feelings, or actions really are so much stronger than positive ones. It really does take many more positive things to combat any one negative thing.

Working hard in a marriage is so worth it. John Gottman also teaches the importance of friendship in a marriage. I believe that to be true. My husband is my best friend. I would rather spend time with him than anyone else in the world and I feel that friendship is one of the strongest things that binds us together.