Tenderness in Marriage

“Tenderness and respect–never selfishness–must be the guiding principles in the intimate relationship between husband and wife. Each partner must be considerate and sensitive to the other’s needs and desires. Any domineering, indecent, or uncontrolled behavior in the intimate relationship between husband and wife is condemned by the Lord.”

-President Howard W. Hunter, Ensign, Nov. 1994, 51

This quote from President Hunter touches me deeply. I have a dear friend who was married to a returned missionary in the temple. Shortly after they were married she discovered his addiction to pornography as he was trying to force her to recreate some of the vile acts he watched. She was horrified. He became abusive if she did not participate. She felt sick, dirty, and ugly. Her experience with marriage and physical intimacy were nothing like she thought they would be, nothing like they should be. After a few months of this she left her husband and sought refuge with her parents. Her husband was not willing to seek help for his addiction and did not think he needed to seek for her forgiveness because he didn’t think there was anything wrong. He felt that because they were married that anything goes. President Kimball taught, “If it is unnatural, you just don’t do it. That is all, and all the family life should be kept clean and worthy and on a very high plane. There are some people who have said that behind the bedroom doors anything goes. That is not true and the Lord would not condone it.” I wish that this young man had learned and understood this.

The above quote by President Hunter is filled with the love of our Heavenly Father. Physical intimacy in marriage is a beautiful and sacred experience. It should bring husbands and wives closer together, and when done in the spirit President Hunter talks of it will bring husbands and wives closer together. I hope when I teach my young children about physical intimacy in marriage that I can teach this aspect as well.

Put Off the Natural Man

“You do change human nature, your own human nature, if you surrender it to Christ. Human nature can be changed here and now. Human nature has been changed in the past. Human nature must be changed on an enormous scale in the future, unless the world is to be drowned in its own blood. And only Christ can change it.”

                                    -President Ezra Taft Benson

This semester we have studied the book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, by H. Wallace Goddard. I think the central theme in this book is overcoming the natural man through the atonement of Jesus Christ and that when we do that our marriages become like God intended. In Mosiah 3:19 we read, 

“For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.”

This scripture has meant a whole lot more to me since becoming a wife and a mother than it did in my youth. Too often, I act as the natural man does. I lose my patience, complain, think my way is the best way, and judge others harshly. I have come to notice a difference in my life when I can let the natural man go. I don’t always do it, I fall short much too often. But, those times when I call upon the power of the atonement and turn my life over to Heavenly Father and I do all the things that are listed in that verse of scripture I notice how I become closer to my Heavenly Father. I become more of who He wants me to be. When I do this, put off the natural man, my relationships with others thrive, especially with my husband. I have come to know that what President Benson teaches in the above quote is true. Every time I find myself frustrated with my husband, children, or someone else and focus on changing my attitude or behavior instead of trying in vain to change theirs I notice that I have more peace and love in my heart. Unfortunately, it’s not always that easy. I let the natural man lead in my life too often. It is something I am working on and will most likely always be working on. But, the atonement of Jesus Christ gives me hope. At the end of his book, Goddard shares a scripture with us that I have always loved. It’s Moroni 10:32, it reads,

“Yea, come unto Christ, and be perfected in him, and deny yourselves of all ungodliness; and if ye shall deny yourselves of all ungodliness, and love God with all your might, mind and strength, then is his grace sufficient for you, that by his grace ye may be perfect in Christ; and if by the grace of God ye are perfect in Christ, ye can in nowise deny the power of God.”

I truly believe that as I come unto Christ, He will change me. He will take my imperfections and make me whole. And because of Him, my marriage can be as God intended and can last forever. I am so grateful for that.

Forgiveness

I am a firm believer that there is no room for grudges and withholding forgiveness in a marriage. I don’t think there is room for either of those in any relationship, to be completely honest. In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman writes, “For a marriage to go forward happily, you need to pardon each other and give up on past resentments. This can be hard to do, but it is well worth it. When you forgive your spouse, you both benefit. Bitterness is a heavy burden. As Shakespeare wrote in the Merchant of Venice, mercy is, ‘twice blessed. It blesses him that gives and him that takes.’” There was a time, early on in my own marriage when I kept bringing up something my husband did that hurt me, to justify my feelings at the current moment. This hurt him deeply, understandably. I remember when he asked me to never bring that up again. He had asked for forgiveness and I had said that I forgave him, but in bringing it up over and over again, I was showing that I hadn’t truly forgiven him. I realized he was right and we were able to put it behind us. I haven’t brought that up since.

That was a great lesson for me to learn and I am so glad I learned it early on in our marriage. In D&C 82:1 we read, “Verily, verily, I say unto you, my servants, that inasmuch as you have forgiven one another your trespasses, even so I, the Lord, forgive you.” Our Savior, Jesus Christ, offers to freely forgive us of our trespasses, we only need to be willing to do the same. When we humble ourselves and forgive our spouse we are ultimately working on transforming our character. In his book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, H. Wallace Goddard talks about having consecration in marriage and how serving our loved ones and forgiving them helps us to become more like our Savior and that transforms our character, which will help us become qualified for our life in the eternities with our spouses. To have the kind of marriage that lasts forever, we need to willingly forgive our spouses and not hold grudges.