Forgiveness

I am a firm believer that there is no room for grudges and withholding forgiveness in a marriage. I don’t think there is room for either of those in any relationship, to be completely honest. In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman writes, “For a marriage to go forward happily, you need to pardon each other and give up on past resentments. This can be hard to do, but it is well worth it. When you forgive your spouse, you both benefit. Bitterness is a heavy burden. As Shakespeare wrote in the Merchant of Venice, mercy is, ‘twice blessed. It blesses him that gives and him that takes.’” There was a time, early on in my own marriage when I kept bringing up something my husband did that hurt me, to justify my feelings at the current moment. This hurt him deeply, understandably. I remember when he asked me to never bring that up again. He had asked for forgiveness and I had said that I forgave him, but in bringing it up over and over again, I was showing that I hadn’t truly forgiven him. I realized he was right and we were able to put it behind us. I haven’t brought that up since.

That was a great lesson for me to learn and I am so glad I learned it early on in our marriage. In D&C 82:1 we read, “Verily, verily, I say unto you, my servants, that inasmuch as you have forgiven one another your trespasses, even so I, the Lord, forgive you.” Our Savior, Jesus Christ, offers to freely forgive us of our trespasses, we only need to be willing to do the same. When we humble ourselves and forgive our spouse we are ultimately working on transforming our character. In his book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, H. Wallace Goddard talks about having consecration in marriage and how serving our loved ones and forgiving them helps us to become more like our Savior and that transforms our character, which will help us become qualified for our life in the eternities with our spouses. To have the kind of marriage that lasts forever, we need to willingly forgive our spouses and not hold grudges.